Survival guide to swine flu, possible zombie attack

Dear Students,

Please do not panic. As your professors have mentioned, we have set up your classes on Blackboard as a safety measure in the event of imminent swine flu epidemic. Please take all necessary precautions to avoid getting the swine flu including, but not limited to: getting a flu shot, and avoiding eating, drinking, breathing or touching anything on this campus. Rest assured, you will still be able to access the assignments necessary for your class once you are enveloped in unavoidable feverish madness. Indeed, from the comfort of your own quarantined bed in a 19th century-style sanatorium that will be constructed to replace the COG, you can complete Web postings, turn in essays and swap notes with hideous pus extruding from your facial orifices. But let's be real. Swine flu is hardly the greatest threat facing this campus. Some of the threats facing us are not immediately quelled by a $5 flu shot. Have you ever considered your plan of action in the zombie day of reckoning? Do you know what to do in the event of a doppelganger army takeover? What will happen after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride onto campus? Luckily for you, the University has prepared for all of these looming crises poised to derail our academic year. Likely, in the near future, this campus, as well as the rest of the country, will be teeming with virtually unstoppable zombies thirsty for brain matter. When this occurs, please visit Crosby Student Center for your Zag Zombie Baseball Bat - all costs charged to your student account. When used deftly, these Bulldog-themed aluminum sluggers can provide the cranial-crushing blows necessary to ward off an attacking zombie. Do not try any other method to rid your domain of these vicious creatures. While kicking, punching, yelling or spitting at zombies may seem reasonable, nothing is as effective or satisfying as hearing that familiar splatter of zombie brains fly through the air with ease. Similarly, when an army of doppelgangers takes over this campus under the cloak of night, it will become a mess of students, faculty and staff and their ghostly counterparts. Likely, it will be difficult for you to keep a clear mind regarding who everyone is. Once again, Blackboard will come to your aid, as classes will be held online. When you greet them, make sure you do not allow them access to your Blackboard information. Additionally, make sure to mark yourself showing everyone that you are in-fact you, and not your doppelganger. This extra effort will make attendance in class much easier for your teacher, as it will cut down awkwardness when you and your doppelganger reply in unison, "Here." That is, unless the swine flu has already set in … Lastly, if you are on campus and you hear the chilling clap of horseshoes you will know it is the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Try not to be afraid of their swinging scythes, black-hooded capes and horses' blood red eyes. These gentle giants are really just misunderstood. Hurt by the recession like many others, these four guys found temp work traveling the globe, dispensing unfortunate news to banished souls regarding their eternal damnation to the boiling cauldron of brimstone, fire and the "High School Musical" soundtrack known as Hell. Please be advised that you will need to notify your RA in the event of your untimely departure from this earthly realm to avoid penalties including the residence of your housing deposit. With each incoming class growing exponentially, we must use our campus housing to its maximum potential. Hopefully, these tips provide you a moment of calm in a world of imminent threat. When one or all of these catastrophes descend upon our beloved campus, DO NOT PANIC. Please utilize this manual and your Blackboard account to ride out the disgusting, life-threatening and horrific calamities predicted for the 2009-2010 academic year. Go Zags.

Sincerely,

Hanna Laney