How to be witty at parties:

"WITTY," according to the American Heritage dictionary, can be defined as "quick to discern and express amusing insights or relationships" or "entertainingly and strikingly clever or original in concept, design, or performance." Some of us are incapable of being witty at certain times of the day. Others are incapable of being witty in the presence of others. Many of us struggle with our hopes to be sufficiently witty, but don't have a very clear game plan. Whatever your personality type may be, here are some tips to get you started... (Please excuse the adverbs)

(1) Wear something oversized, especially if you are short. For example, wear shoes five sizes bigger than usual. Or if you would rather not go for the shoes, wear a very long and colorful tie (à la Hugh Grant). Polka dots, bold stripes and neon colors are highly recommended. These tips work especially well if you are attending a formal business dinner or black tie event. Though you may come across to some as "tasteless" or "dorky," you might still be considered witty by others (depending on their party mood and blood alcohol content).

(2) Speak less than everybody else. When you do speak, repeat very obscure and confusing quotes from very-dead philosophers. Though not the most convincing way possible, the easiest way to be witty is to let dead philosophers do all the work.

(3) Learn to pronounce French words without an English accent (though Alex Trebek is not necessarily witty). When a classy lady/ fine gent walks up to you and completely butchers the word "hors d'oerves," you can politely point out how the "h" and "s" are silent in "hors." Then they'll marvel at your powerful command of the French language and possibly buy you a drink.

(4) Start collecting obscure and highbrow terms from art, music, philosophy and other venues. Keep an index card with these obscure terms listed in alphabetical order. Be sure to include each term's appropriate parts of speech and guidelines for proper usage. Here are some suggestions: Art Deco, intaglio, epistemological, Arabesque, eclectic, and definitely trompe l'oeil. Most partygoers don't know what the Hades they are, but they do sound very impressive. Throw them out randomly to garner strange or admiring looks. In the case someone actually knows what they are, excuse yourself wittily and escape to the buffet table.

(5) Bring a very large, aggressive and untrained dog. This way, when he leaves a mess in the middle of the ballroom, it will give you a chance to create what will seem like a very spontaneously witty excuse. Say something like, "Why Rover, you forgot to put the seat down!" With that, everyone should laugh uproariously and forget all of their life's problems. Finally you will be a member of royalty in Wittydom.