How was your break? Who cares?

Some people have pet peeves. I had a pet named Gus. He was a manly and compassionate cat. That is, until he got killed by my sister's golden retriever Zoolie. That's why my pet peeve is violence against animals. But in all seriousness, I also really hate small talk. Although small talk is about as useful and essential to building relationships as playing Candyland, it is also the default position of most conversational interactions.

This phenomenon is most likely driven by fact that the large majority of people that run this world, with the exception of Bill Gates (who may or may not be a human), are extroverted. And extroverted people like silence about as much as Zoolie liked Gus.

Now at this point you might be thinking, "Nate, are you an incredibly awkward and anti-social hermit?" I cannot confirm or deny such allegations, but I do know that I spent a majority of my childhood alone under a deck in my backyard crushing up bricks. But anyway, the epitome of small talk occurs in the week after Christmas vacation, in which every single person you see, including squirrels, will inevitably ask you, "How was your break?" The following are few categories of the type of small talk that will occur in the next week.

Brief in passing:

Subject matter: Absolutely nothing of value.

Defining quote: "How was your break?"

"Good, how was yours?"

"Goo …" (don't hear the rest because by that time you've already biked out of earshot). 

Time frame: 3.4 seconds

Relationship Type: Acquaintances

Expanded oratory:

Subject matter: Anything that makes your break pale in comparison. You know these people, the ones that skydived in a kayak only to land and flow down lava on a volcano in Mexico that was made by Mayans, all funded by their Grandma's Christmas check. 

Defining quote: "… and then we ran into Mitt Romney at the Rose Bowl after party."

Time frame: Too long

Relationship type: Friend who hopefully invites you to their wedding

The productive response: 

Subject matter: Such a response makes you feel like a real big loser. This person didn't do that much over break. Just studied for and aced the LSAT. And worked 40+ hours a week at Nordstrom's (half of their earnings they donated to the Red Cross).  And lost 12 pounds (girls) or gained 5 pounds of muscle (guys), all while on a mission trip to save baby African seals. But how was your break?

Defining quote: "The application for Harvard was a little tedious, but luckily NASA offered me an interview in the spring."

Time frame: However long you're in the library the week after break.

Relationship type: No

The truth is real friends don't have to ask each other how each other's break was. They should already know. By way of mind-reading. Or at least that's how I'd like things to be.

So how do I respond when someone asks me this question, you might ask. Various ways: sometimes I just keep studying or working out. Other times I freak out and run away. Occasionally, I cave in and give them the "Good, how was yours?" response.

But fear not. This time will be different. I've spent over three years at this university suffering through this phenomenon and I think I've finally figured out a solution: earplugs. Just kidding. This year I will gladly engage in post-Christmas break small talk. When people ask me what I did over break, I will tell them that I spent it writing this article. While sailing on a diplomatic excursion from Washington, D.C., to North Korea. In a Somalian pirate ship. While playing lots of games of Candyland.