The 2011-2012 school year is upon us. We are just busting at the seams to be back at Gonzaga, and we imagine that all of you are equally excited that the pain of summer jobs and living with your parents has finally ceased to exist. Just by looking around at all the smiling students, you can clearly see that joy is in the air. In order to ensure that your transition back into student life goes as smoothly as possible, we are going to provide some advice to the students in each grade that will help you thrive at Gonzaga for the next year.
FRESHMEN: At this moment, you really have no clue what is going on. Right now, in fact, there is probably an upperclassman looking at you and saying to his or her friend, "I think that freshman over there got on the wrong bus." Don't worry, we all know you are a helpless, lonely, baby-faced freshman and your immediate goal is simply to not do anything really stupid. Just remember that your entire class is in the same position as you and that all sophomores, juniors, and seniors have all been there as well.
Despite all the fear and anxiety you are undoubtedly feeling right now, you are going to have a blast this year. Don't forget to call your mom (especially on her birthday). If something starts growing out of the carpet in your dorm room that you didn't plant there, dial extension 5656 for maintenance. If you wake up on Saturday morning not knowing where you are (side of the road, somewhere down the Spokane River, Canada, etc.), call security at (509) 313-3996. Oh, and you know that "rumor" about the Freshman 15? It isn't a rumor so make sure to exercise regularly. Follow this advice and you will be a surefire bet to make it successfully to your sophomore year.
SOPHOMORES: Congratulations! You made it through an entire school year of demanding 100-level core classes, trudging to the laundry room to decipher and conquer the washers and dryers, and didn't get into serious enough legal trouble that you were not able to return to Gonzaga this year. How you all mustered up the energy to come back for another go-around is truly mystifying, but we are glad you're back. This year gets a little bit harder so you may actually have to read one of the books that you purchase at the beginning of each semester but have yet to touch. Also, you are probably going to have to spend some time studying this year unless your major is a huge joke, in which case studying can be put off for one more year. We do not suggest you change the festivities of your weekend nights (whatever those festivities may be), but you should know that every brain cell you fry on Saturday night is one less pulling for you on Sunday evening. The summer following this year will be your first opportunity to stay in Spokane and we highly suggest you take advantage of that if possible.
JUNIORS: Ah, finally upperclassmen. You run this place, and don't let any of those nasty underclassmen forget that. Be sure to give those immature children leaving the on-campus dorms disapproving looks and a cold shoulder just so they know that they can't mess with you. Junior year is great. Off -campus living is finally allowed by Gonzaga, you get to start taking classes that somewhat relate to your major, and if you're lucky you may just have the opportunity to celebrate that all-important coming of age event known as the "21 Run." If you are one of the few who don't turn 21 until summer, there is really no advice we can give other than to stay strong and hopefully one of your friends is in for the long haul as well. It's really not that bad watching all your friends reach that golden number while you piddle along at the big 2-0, possibly the most frustrating age of all time. Just think, while all of your friends are spending outrageous amounts of money at the bars, you can improve your life by studying for the MCAT or the LSAT. Or you can just sit at home and play video games.
SENIORS: Here we go. For those of us who don't go on to more schooling, this is our last chance to live a life that involves having a ton of fun without being encumbered with really any major responsibilities to speak of. For this final year of our glory days, we recommend that every senior make a bucket list of things to accomplish before getting bombarded with responsibilities everywhere we turn. This bucket list could include things such as: Play every intramural sport possible, spend a night in Al's Motel, join a club, go to every home basketball game, or even get a 4.0 GPA (just kidding). Whatever we choose to do during our final year as an undergraduate, we need to make sure we enjoy every second of it, because once we walk out of the Spokane Arena following graduation, our lives will begin a long downward spiral that won't end until we retire.
We hope that we have lessened your fears, given you some priceless guidance, and contributed to what is bound to be another excellent year at Gonzaga University. We're not exactly sure how the Mayan calendar works, but we are pretty sure that if the world actually does end sometime in 2012, then at least we all will have had a great year at school before we all face judgment day.
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