Here’s a tip

The worst part of any meal is when it is over (especially when that meal involves a burger). What makes the end of a restaurant meal even worse is when we have to pay more than we expected. This isn't because we are idiots and are incapable of effectively interpreting menu prices (surprising, we know) and the sales taxes associated with them. Rather, it is because of the social requirement known as tipping.

Tipping sucks. No one likes it. Unless you are a cab driver, waitress, bellhop, maid, airport shuttle driver, doorman, massage therapist, fishing guide, blackjack dealer, Sherpa or the teenage kid who washes your golf clubs at the end of a round of 18. In this case, we apologize in advance for the content of this article.

Why should we have to pay extra to individuals employed in these specific professions for doing nothing more than what is expected of them? What makes these chosen professions so special that they are entitled to extra compensation beyond what their employers determined they deserved in the first place?

At this point, we must disclaim about the professions that have a compensation structure based on tips. In this case, we say charge more. If the waitress at Wolffy's isn't going to bring home minimum wage without our $2 tip, tack on an extra couple dollars to the burger and fries we ordered. This accomplishes two things: We know exactly how much we are going to pay once we order, and nobody gets ripped off by frugal college students unwilling to leave more than a dime for a tip (but then  throw down $8.50 on pitchers of Bud Light at Jack & Dan's).

Tipping waitresses is one thing, but tipping bartenders could be our least favorite activity on Earth. All they do is put  a cup on the counter and pour something into it. As much as we appreciate your hard work, we don't feel the need to drain our bank accounts more than you already did with that overpriced drink. At The Knitting Factory, a 16-ounce can of Hamm's — possibly the world's cheapest beer — costs $5. When we bought two of them and paid with a crisp $20 bill, the bartender felt the need to give change in the increments of five $1 bills and one $5 bill.

At this point, we had to bite our lips in order to avoid bursting into laughter at this bartender's assumption that we would be throwing a few of those ones back his way in the form of a tip. No sir, that $5 is already four too many for a can of Hamm's. As much as you may feel you deserve a tip for accomplishing the feat of cracking our beers for us, we are highly capable young men. As much as it may surprise you, we can open beers ourselves. It is actually one of the few things we are really good at. And we prefer to stick our own finger in our beer to watching you do it and then expecting payment for it.

Here's the deal: Due to the social ramifications of failing to unwillingly give more money than is required for certain services, we are forced to tip. But why? It is only because everyone else leaves tips that us poor college students are forced to as well. We can stop this madness as a community. To derail this unfortunate societal norm, we must come together in a general refusal to tip. Once people observe our lack of tipping and realize how brilliant it is, they too will refuse to tip and the domino effect will commence. Together, we can begin the revolution that will culminate in the end of tipping as we know it, and the world will thank us. Together, we can make a difference.

Be inspired.