It ain’t easy being green

The Biology 100 class that I am currently taking is exposing me to real world problems, such as the energy crisis created by you and me, the wasteful species known as Homo Sapiens.

According to an obviously foolproof online ecological footprint test, if everyone in the world were to use as much energy as I do, we would need the equivalent of five Earths to support the human population.

And so, in honor of the last days of Energy Awareness Month, I decided to channel my inner Al Gore and make really bold assertions about protecting the environment and conserving energy at GU.

Problem 1: There is no immediate economic incentive for students living in residence halls to conserve energy.

While living in GU housing, I was more liberal than a lecture given by Nancy Pelosi at Cal Berkeley about my heat and water usage. The problem is, unlimited energy use drives up tuition and housing prices across the board, but not until the next year. In the Oct 12 article in The Gonzaga Bulletin written by Eli Francovich [Increase in utility rates poses potential added costs for students], Vice President of Finance Chuck Murphy stated, "Increases in operating costs result in the need for us to annually increase what we charge our students for tuition and room and board."

Solution: Introduce a cap-and-trade system to Residence Life. 

Here's how it'd work at GU: Give each of the residence halls a certain amount of energy they can use in a year. If the residents exceed that limit, they will be required to "buy" energy from other more conservative dorms (thus rewarding energy conservation). If the students in Catherine Monica want to use more energy than Las Vegas, they'll be the ones at the end of the year forced to buy energy credits from the green guys and gals of Marian Hall.

Problem 2:  The grounds crew uses the equivalent of Lake Superior to keep the plants on campus more hydrated than a Gatorade taste tester.

I appreciate the aesthetic value of lush lawns and budding flowers, not only for recruiting purposes but also for creating a vibrant campus to live on.

Unfortunately, when the Spokane winter hits as hard and suddenly as a Metta World Peace (formerly Ron Artest) right hook to the face, the grass instantly goes from leprechaun green to rotten-apple brown. For the rest of the year, all campus vegetation is deader than Tupac Shakur.

Solution: Take out the grass and lay down astroturf … or just limit the water used on the lawns. To its credit, the grounds crew is working hard to make the system more efficient. Hopefully it has better aim than the current system, which consistently makes sure our campus has thoroughly watered sidewalks.

Problem 3: Using the bathroom has a surprisingly large impact on the environment and the school's budget.

This problem can largely be blamed on the abundance of automatic flushing toilets at GU. While green in theory, these toilets actually waste an enormous amount of water by flushing any time a user flinches.

Solution: Replace the high-tech toilets with the old fashioned, flush-'em-yourself kind.

Or perhaps a better approach might be to get with the times. That's why I further propose the university's adoption of the following new-age strategies for energy production:

Energy Innovation 1: Bring solar power to GU.

Spokane gets approximately 260 days of sunshine per year. The school must take advantage of such a fact. I propose the installation of solar panels. On everything. I want solar panels covering the roof of College Hall, solar panels on top of McCarthey, and solar panels on Rob Sacre's shiny head (just kidding Rob … please don't eat me).

Energy Innovation 2: Turn the Rudolf Fitness Center into a power generator.

The University of Oregon has 20 Precor elliptical machines that produce electricity upon use which then help power the school.

Since the preferred form of exercise for the female population at GU is to work out on a stationary bike or treadmill (the human equivalent of a gerbil wheel), this idea has enormous energy-creating potential.

Gonzaga does try to be kind to the environment, but it is still fitting that our colors are red and navy rather than green. However, like the grass from summer to winter, that can change.