It’s time to get crafty with the budget

In their article "When life gives you lemons, make a crosswalk (Much ado about nothing)," Tony DiTommaso and John Gats pointed out the ridiculous amount of fiscal waste shown by Gonzaga University, in this case on a crosswalk. Besides seeming to have an unwarranted personal vendetta against GSBA, Tony and John are right on the money with their assessment of the school's spending habits. 

In an email about the school's budget sent on Jan. 7, 2011, President Thayne McCulloh wrote:  "For the next academic year, the Trustees approved a 4.24 percent increase in tuition for undergraduates and     law … Some of the most significant drivers of cost include anticipated increases in electricity and natural gas rates, student financial aid and health care expense."

But fear not, Thayne, because while you were courageously unveiling a new sidewalk, I took it upon myself, a political science major with about as much experience handling finances as a really smart golden retriever, to spend upward of 30 minutes brainstorming ideas on how to get GU back on economic course. Here's what I came up with:

Section 1: Cut Costs

A.) Get rid of the Fee to Apply to Graduate: So let me get this straight: We pay upward of $35,000 a year to attend this school, only to be charged $50 more in order to leave. That's just a slap in the face.   

B.) Harness Gonzaga's natural resources: Take advantage of Gonzaga's thriving squirrel population. There are more squirrels on this campus than there are wizards in Hogwarts. Replace students' meal plans with sling-shots. Let's be honest, squirrel stew may be on par if not superior to, the COG's fried catfish. Once the squirrel population has been exhausted (which could not possibly happen before 2025), the shores of the Spokane River are home to an abundance of marmots. This plan will teach students valuable life skills, save the university money and prevent kids from having to go to the Health Center to be vaccinated for rabies, which leads me to my next proposal …

C.) Reduce health care expenses: If Congress is willing to reform the entire nation's health care system, our school should certainly follow suit. That is why I propose the administration scrap the entire Health Center and replace it with a recording that repeats, "You have Mono." (Outrageous? Yes, but not as ridiculous as Obamacare ... I will undoubtedly fall terribly ill when this article is published.)

Section 2: Raise Revenue

A.) Put a sin tax on using Facebook in the library: Charge students 10 cents a minute to use social networking while in Foley.  If GU students spent as much time on their studies as they did updating their statuses, every student could have their Ph.D. in neurobiology by now, thus allowing them to get a high-paying job right after graduation and immediately start donating money to the school's scholarship fund, improving GU's financial situation even more.

B.) Auction off dates with the Basketball players: "A date with Elias Harris?  Going once, going twice … SOLD for $164,400 to CM Southwest!"

At first my conscience was conflicted over the ethics of blatantly using student athletes to raise money that they themselves will never touch. But then I considered the recent actions of the NCAA's defenders of morality, known as the university presidents, and I realized that such behavior is encouraged.

C.) Sell the Schoenberg Center: The what building? Exactly my point.

D.) Start selling alcohol to the entirety of the student body:

The fact that Residence Life designates an entire community in Coughlin Hall as "Substance Free" indicates its awareness that every other dorm on campus is "Substance Rich." Let's be honest, they'd have to be blinder than Stevie Wonder not to make such a realization.

Why not capitalize on college kids' favorite pastime?  If underage kids are going to buy alcohol, the revenue might as well be going to something worthwhile, such as lowering tuition, rather than something not worthwhile, like helping ensure the Hamilton Mart guys retire comfortably (funded entirely by Four Loko sales).

Indeed, sacrifices will have to be made by all, but I'm confident that my budget will prevent tuition from costing as much as Bill Gates' house.

Stay frugal, Zags.