Our big stick

In the early 1900s, one of the greatest men to walk the face of the earth took down monopolies like it was his job. Because it was his job. Teddy Roosevelt busted trusts harder than Young MC busts moves. Unfortunately for us, Mr. Roosevelt died 92 years ago. It seems as if no one has picked up his big stick since his passing. That's where we come in.

At our very own university, there exists a monopoly so oppressing it must make Teddy turn in his grave. A business so powerful it may take all of Gonzaga University's ROTC to breach its fortified position high above the COG. Yes, that's right, Sodexo has taken over all facets of food consumption at our fine university.

Gonzaga invited Sodexo in years ago with what we're sure were good intentions. But, like a virus, Sodexo settled in the stomach of the Gonzaga community and used it as a home base to spread its evil throughout the university's body. 

Everyone knows the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and Sodexo was genius enough to build an entire business plan around this fact. You may now wonder about the female half of the student body. Unfortunately for the ladies, they outnumber the guys here. Sodexo knows this. So if a girl wants to make an impression on a member of the opposite sex, they better be willing to scarf down some nasty lasagna or live off the salad bar for a couple of years, because guys are spending at least 40 percent of their waking hours in the COG.

So how does Sodexo lure in the guys with subpar food? Three key occasions: GEL Weekend, the first week of school and Fall Family Weekend. Once it has hooked them at GEL Weekend, secured their loyalty through the first week of school, and even got parents on board through Fall Family Weekend, it has finally completed thee step process of addicting freshmen to the COG.

This wouldn't be such a concern to all involved if it didn't cost a minimum of $3,860 to sustain oneself for a year as an undergraduate. And just to put "sustain" into perspective, you could legitimately buy three "Five Dollar Foot-longs" per day (plus tax), and it would still cost less than the minimum meal plan costs.

Undergraduates' right to eat what they please is unfairly stripped away from them by this cruel institution. Maybe we wanted to spend our two years in DeSmet cooking quesadillas in our dorm rooms. Maybe we didn't, but we should have had the option to choose stupidity if we wanted. But wait, you say, what about "Dining Dollars"?

"Dining Dollars" evaporate faster than a 401k in 2008. We haven't seen food prices this high since the last Major League Baseball game we attended tried to sell us $8 hot dogs. Let's look, for example, at a $3.09 peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the Crosby Café. Judging by the fair market value of two slices of bread (26 cents), 1 dollop of peanut butter (10 cents), and a scoop of jelly (10 cents), a peanut butter and jelly should really only cost 46 cents (max). That, fellow students, is a 572 percent markup.

Following their sophomore year, most students are overjoyed that they can finally cook for themselves, but juniors quickly realize that they will still spend just as much time on campus as they did before, and still require nourishment throughout the day. Since there is no on campus competition, Sodexo upperclassmen have a choice to make: starve or splurge.

While starving may help your portion control, it doesn't typically lead to a better quality of life. Splurging leads to a happy life but a feeling of emptiness when you look at your bank account at the end of the month after continually spending $2 on bagels or almost $9 on subpar SubCo sandwiches.

Well, Gonzaga, you're welcome for picking up Teddy's big stick and speaking loudly about what we should do with it. Next time you find yourself ingesting what they claim to be fish in the COG, just know that you are single-handedly supporting every big, evil, overreaching conglomerate.

If this affects you like we truly hope it will, can we get the rest of your COG swipes? We're sick of cooking for ourselves.