What would Ludacris say about driving around Spokane?

I'm not from around here and this reality has manifested itself in my life in numerous forms, most of which I have overcome. But, the No. 1 thing I still don't understand about life in Eastern Washington is the driving.

Why does everyone have to drive like they are 15-year-olds on a learner's permit? After significant meditation, reflection and philosophizing, I think I have identified most of the contributing factors to this epidemic plaguing our fair Inland Northwest society.

First of all, pedestrians should not walk out in front of a car, ever. A pedestrian should approach the crosswalk the same way a boxer should approach a fight — you don't want to be a lightweight fighting a heavyweight.

I'm more likely to knock out Mike Tyson in his prime than a foot-traveler is going to win a collision with a car. (And I'm not being insensitive to the people who were involved in accidents in the last year. I just think that if the pedestrian always waited for traffic to clear, there would not be the same problems we face today of people walking out into the street with a sense of entitlement — which I must admit guilt to as well.)

Another reason why the pedestrian should always yield is a financial matter. When I chose to drive, I chose the fastest method of transportation at my disposal. The pedestrian, rather, chose to walk, which is great – it's eco-friendly, it's exercise and it helps you feel more akin to your surroundings. But remember, it costs me money to yield to you, because you are killing my gas mileage by making me constantly slow down and then speed up again. While it costs you absolutely nothing to wait the fraction of a second it would take for me to cruise by.

Why should I give you the privilege of efficiency when it's going to take you a long to time to get wherever you were going regardless? So, if the pedestrian were to yield every time, drivers would need less gas, which in turn lowers energy prices and decreases our dependency on foreign oil. So, there you have it, you making me wait for you to cross the street is funding endless wars and contributing to our ongoing depletion of the Earth's fossil fuels. (Well, unless you agree with George W. Bush's energy crisis solution of using more gas.)

But it isn't just pedestrian/driver relations that are ruining the driving experience in the Lilac City; there are also numerous city-planning errors that contribute to the noobish behavior on the roads. For example, can someone look me in the eye and tell me that there are actual benefits to Division being a 30 mph road with lights that have less rhythm than the dance floor at a Gonzaga function?

This brings us to the abomination that we call I-90. Why do people on I-90 drive like they are in a neighborhood, but people in the neighborhoods drive like it's the speedway? There is no way it is that hard to throw up some yield or stop signs in the neighborhoods, and if you are in the left lane of the freeway and going under or at the speed limit, please take the next exit and call a cab.

When discussing issues with such gravity, it is usually a good idea to defer to the great philosophers, and in this case I am going to quote the pre-eminent thinker of our generation, Ludacris, who said in his audiobook "Word of Mouf": "I'm doing a hundred on the highway, so if you do the speed limit, get the (expletive) out of my way."

Obviously I'm not going to advocate going 100 mph, but I, like Ludacris before me, am driven to

using cuss words when I see you going 55 mph in the left lane. But I sometimes understand the tentativeness of Eastern Washington drivers: How are we ever going to truly know how fast to drive when the neighborhood streets are wider than the New Jersey Turnpike?

The Chief in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" described traffic accidents near perfectly when he said that two cars were headed for the "same piece of pavement at the same time." Pedestrians: Don't ever compete for that piece of pavement. Drivers: Stop falling over yourselves to yield for everything, you are driving for a reason.

Drive defensively. Be alert. Be safe.