If I ran ESPN...

I've learned a few things during my short time on this Earth. One thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is when a host on any ESPN show says, "It's never too early to discuss (insert any subject here)." It's definitely too early to discuss whatever that may be.

It's an epidemic that's sweeping our fair nation: The mindless blither of sports commentators about inane things that don't affect anyone or anything relevant to an evolving society. (Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it.  I'm just trying to do my job.)

As sports fans, we're forced to wait through the endless Tebow and Brett Favre coverage to get actual "news" we might care about.

Do we really need to talk about who is going to win the Heisman for the 2012-season right now? Is it necessary to speculate on who is most likely to play in Super Bowl XLVII when Gisele Bundchen isn't even done blaming Tom Brady's teammates for this year's loss? And can anyone even remember the last time SportsCenter made it through a broadcast without mentioning Tebow's future with the Broncos? (Remember this column when Tebow leads the Broncos to a 6-10 record next year).

I write my congressperson every week and my complaints, unfortunately, have fallen on deaf ears (I blame Obama). So, I'm going to have to use this column as my opportunity to be heard, (talk about falling on deaf ears).

Here are my rules that should be followed henceforth about sports coverage in the ESPN-era: 

Give football a break

I get it. Football is our national pastime. And while watching the Super Bowl, I – pathetically enough – realized how much I'm going to miss the NFL.

But from a week after the Super Bowl up until the week before the Draft, the NFL has little-to-no relevance whatsoever in the sports world.

Please, give us all a break from the windbags on NFL Live, and stop speculating on something that is so far in the future that even Ms. Cleo is drawing blanks on what's going to happen. (Wait, freshmen aren't going to get Ms. Cleo jokes? Oh, well. Sorry, y'all.)

Let me flag material as unacceptable

I don't want my kids seeing a lot of the things that are shown on SportsCenter and there is nothing I can do to stop the network from showing smut like MLS, UFC or other things I don't like.

Bill Simmons came up with the idea of the "Outsider account" that allows you to prohibit stories about stuff you don't care about from ever showing up on ESPN.com's front page. I want to take that idea one step further.

Every time something is about to go on air that is unpalatable (Read: NASCAR coverage), ESPN rolls footage that you chose in advance on a loop. For example, I would choose the video of Tayshaun Prince blocking Reggie Miller in the 2004 Eastern Conference Finals.

Or a Seattle fan could watch their favorite teams' playoff triumphs. (Footage not found.)

No more live press conferences

According to the Elias Harris Sports Bureau, 99.999-percent of all sports interviews are boring and pointless.

Oh, you're going to try to move the ball downfield, Coach Belichick? I figured your goal before the game was to drop as many passes as possible.

Athletes are trained by their coaches to say as little as possible to the media. So, to cut away to a live press conference is like dedicating airtime to watching paint avoid answering the drywall's questions.

Speaking of dedicating airtime ...

We need more Puppy Bowls

I hope you all got a chance to flip the channel over to Animal Planet during the Super Bowl, because they had a game that all of America should love.

The athletes weren't overpaid — in fact they weren't paid at all. The players were adorable, cuddly, up-for-adoption puppies that only wanted to score touchdowns and hump a little bit.

Not only was the overall product on the field more lovable and cute. But the halftime show was far-and-away the best performance since the Aerosmith/Nelly/Britney Spears/N*Sync performance from Super Bowl XXXV. The Kitty Halftime Show had everything: Confetti, terrified cats, and plenty of yarn.

The Puppy Bowl should take a lesson from college football by making five-times more games than we would ever be interested in. I'm personally excited by the thought of watching the NAPA Know-How Labrador Bowl, Oscar Meyer Weiner Dog Bowl and The Gonzaga Baby Bulldog Bowl. (Make it happen, Mike Roth).

By now, I think you all agree that I should definitely be running ESPN.

Because it's never too early to start discussing my inevitable rise to the top of the sports media world.

(I know that was a stupid ending, Gisele. Please stop yelling.)