Real life is overrated

Real life is miserable. Between forced awkward interactions with people you marginally care about and the ever-growing list of responsibilities, many of us need something – anything – to keep us distracted from our vapid, static lives. So, we turn to fantasy.

But everyone knows that reading about flying lions and Gobblydegooks (or whatever they talk about in Harry Potter) is exclusively for dweebs and nerdy children. So have no fear, sports fans, we have fantasy football!

As a senior who has already celebrated his 21st birthday, I figure I only have years of endless work – anyone who thinks our generation is going to experience "retirement" clearly isn't paying attention to the economy – and death to look forward to, but thankfully, fantasy football gives me something to be excited about every fall. So, in honor of this reality, I give you eight reasons why fantasy football is better than anything you could do in real life:

Fantasy football is extremely eco-friendly:Since I never leave my couch, I don't burn any fossil fuels driving, I don't fritter away any water showering and my waste doesn't take up any space in the landfills because I rarely, if ever, take my trash out. Also, I read somewhere that eating locally helps reduce your carbon footprint, which is why I only eat Jimmy John's delivery. They are like three blocks away from my house – what's more local than that? (Unfortunately, I'm nearly positive that Matthew Berry's mouth emits as much methane into the O-Zone layer as all of the cow farms in Wisconsin combined.)

Fantasy football helps me stay safe from infection:There is no stronger repellent to female attention than thinking or talking about fantasy football. Since I am constantly doing those two things, I am completely impervious to cootie infection. So stay away, girls, unless you want to talk the merits of my recent waiver wire moves.

Fantasy football keeps my mind sharp:Constantly monitoring my league's transactions has given me a strong sense of opportunity cost and supply-and-demand, and my rhetorical skills have never been sharper due to my constant and cuttingly witty message board comments. My last post – which read, "Haha, Pookas, your team sux!!!!" – in my humble opinion, is on par with Obama's "Yes We Can!"

Fantasy football is great for the body:I'm getting old, which means that playing actual sports is only going to inevitably result in an injured hip or an increased chance of developing arthritis. That sounds awful. I have never hurt myself sitting on my couch flipping between football games hoping that Peyton Hillis grinds out that last 10 yards needed to clinch my team's win. Also, I am developing an impressive amount of blubber that I will most certainly need when I'm hibernating between football seasons.

Fantasy football enhances the spiritual self:Now obviously I'm not talking about church, because, hello, we live in the Pacific time zone, and it's a pretty easy decision of where I'd rather be at 10 a.m. on a Sunday. But, watching as much football as I do really teaches you that there are things that are bigger than us all. For instance, knee injuries and the new concussion rules really make you wonder about where this football season is going, and why God put us here – in this point-per-reception league.

Fantasy football is the purest form of competition:Sometimes playing real sports yields the unfortunate side effect of occasional sportsmanship. Keep me away from that. Thankfully, fantasy football takes any human feeling out of enjoying the sport, which means I can be as brutal as I want to be when addressing the sacks of human worthlessness known as my opponents.

Playing fantasy football helps the economy:It's simple Reaganomics: I win all of your league buy-ins and then you are forced to take demeaning jobs like cleaning my house and doing my laundry. My winnings trickle down, because I've created dozens of jobs due to all of the effects of neglect and filth I produce while doing absolutely nothing all fall.

Fantasy football makes us all "men for others":Since my fantasy team features players from the Seahawks, 49ers, and Broncos, I have learned empathy for their downtrodden fan bases. I am forced to watch their games too, so I understand what their pain must be like, which is why I will be handing out blankets and soup to all fans of teams in the AFC or NFC West every Sunday afternoon. I give them someone to talk to; and have you ever listened to these people's delusions about what their team could do this season and the future? Talk about charity work!