So I thought I could dance

There are some (though very few) things that the male species was not made to do: sew, give birth to children, appreciate opera music, and most obviously, dance.

Yet one of my goals for senior year is to try new things, so last week when I received a Facebook invite to audition for Gonzaga's Dance Team I decided, in spite of all reason, to go for it. Although I'm about as coordinated as Will Foster shooting a free throw, I thought it might at least be an interesting journalistic inquiry into the world of female dance. The following is my experience:

Thursday, Sept. 14. Informational Meeting at 8 p.m.: I show up to Lower Crosby to find a group of more than 20 girls excited to try out for the Dance Team.  As a white, Christian, middle-class male, this may be the first time affirmative action would work in my favor. Team co-captain Jessica Dringman tells us that there will be two days of tryouts. On Friday night we will be taught a dance routine; on Saturday we will be expected to perform that routine in front of a panel of judges. Co-captain Megan Camper also gives us some advice: "We want you to look professional. So don't play with your hair during auditions. And remember to wear makeup." I don't have to worry about the former, but I may be pretty screwed on the latter. Before leaving, we each pick up an application. That night I fill out the form as honestly as possible:

Years of Dance Training: 0

Styles trained in: the Macarena; the cha-cha slide

Briefly describe your dance experience: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I did take three weeks of swing dance class in eighth-grade gym class. And I saw the movie "Black Swan" this summer. And I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night. 

What do you think you would contribute to the team given the opportunity?  Testosterone.

Why do you want to be on the Gonzaga Dance Team?Not to become more cultured, get in shape or for any other legitimate reasons; but rather to try something new and different (and mostly so I could write an article about it). And maybe get a few numbers?

Friday Tryouts 5:30-9 p.m.: I arrive at the dance studio and check into the front desk. Team co-captain Jackie Lee then leads the group in warm-ups and stretching. First, we do some jumping jacks, pushups and sit-ups, which I handle fairly easily. Then, Lee instructs us to do the splits. Nearly every single girl follows the order with ease, folding like a timid poker player. I struggle to get my legs past a 120-degree angle, looking much more like an upside down Y than an upside down T. I am about as flexible as dry spaghetti.  It's going to be a long night.

Next, Dringman leads us in "Across the Floor" exercises. For an hour and a half we are led through a series of dance moves, pirouettes and leaps, none of which I can do well. At one point we are told to do a step-jump-spin move across the room. I hit the girl next to me. Twice. After completing a grapevine-like move across the floor with about as much grace as an intoxicated moose, Dringman comes up to me and suggests that I add some "manliness" to my moves. Unfortunately, I put my Manhood Card through the paper shredder to get up the nerve to come to these tryouts.

Next, the captains teach us a one-minute routine to the song "Moves like Jagger" by Maroon 5. Somehow, every single girl gets the dance down pat by the end of the night. I'm more lost than Atlantis.

An hour and a half later, and I'm more tired than the Michelin Man. My shins hate me, and the balls of my feet feel like they've been massaged by a jackhammer.  Next time you're at a basketball game, take some time to appreciate the Dance Team. With three long, cardio intense practices a week, they work much harder than their bright and cheery demeanor mid-performance would have you think. Yet although it's a difficult tryout, all of the girls are incredibly welcoming and the captains do their best to show me some moves.

Before we leave, Camper has us sit down. She says that we have all done great tonight and that she thinks we all have a good chance of making the team.

She is lying. I have about as much chance of making the team as the Seahawks have of winning the Super Bowl. 

But although I may be terrible at dancing, I'm no quitter. I go home that night and practice my heart out. The next day at tryouts I nail every move. My pirouettes are as beautiful as a Spokane sunset. They pick me for the team. Not only that, the judges say I have the potential to become the next Usher.  At the first basketball game, Elias Harris will be the one asking for my autograph.

And then my alarm goes off and I realize that the entire last paragraph was all a dream. My sore calves pull me back to reality as I get ready for the second day of tryouts.

Saturday 10:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m.: I arrive at the Rudolph Fitness Center for the final day of tryouts. Roll call reveals that two girls have dropped out since last night, dropping the group down to 19. The captains had previously said they were willing to take up to 20 dancers. There just might be hope for me yet.