So you want to be a pro athlete ...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

It's a simple question that we've been asked our entire lives, and the answer is universally just as simple: professional athlete.

The choice is simple if you think about it. You get paid boatloads of money to play a game — the same activity that the rest of the slobs in this country pay gym fees for. If you are any good, you don't have to learn social and moral norms, because people are willing to overlook pretty much anything. For example, (allegedly) murdering a man is totally cool as long as you win (I'm looking at you, Ray Lewis.) And, we've all seen "Wedding Crashers," which taught us that merely mentioning being on the Yankees can help you get the hottest woman at the party. (Or was that a product of Owen Wilson's nose making him seem sensitive? I think I'll stick with the former.)

So, after considering all that, is anyone really going to tell me that they still want to be an accountant? I didn't think so. (Enjoy those CPA exams, guys!)

But not all jobs in professional sports are created equal. So, I am here — as always — to be your guiding light. I present to you the comprehensive list of sports positions you want to take and the positions that'll make you want to work toward that ever-useful sociology (or journalism for that matter) degree:

Sign me up:

Closer: Do you like growing stupid looking facial hair, eating while hanging out with your buddies in the bullpen and working one inning every few nights? Of course you would love that. When you are a closer, you can act as outlandishly as a sophomore in Star Bar with a fake ID, and people will love you for it. When you take the ball in the ninth inning you instantly stop being "weird" and start being "quirky." So, develop two good pitches, a funky strikeout dance, and a sweet nickname and you're on your way to having the coolest job in sports.

Kicker: I know what you're saying: Why would anyone choose to be a football player? They seem to be getting concussions more frequently than groups of girls take pictures with the Bulldog outside of the MAC. But, that doesn't mean that every football player is bound to play four painful years only to retire to shoddy health care benefits combined with the debilitating effects of constant head trauma. (On a serious note: It really is a tragedy what happens to many football players.)

Sufficiently depressed? Don't worry! You can still be a kicker. Kickers have the longest careers, don't have to participate in hitting drills in practice ever, and their only job is kicking a tiny ball through enormous uprights. Jason Hanson has been in the league for 20 years and is still doing his job at a high level, making him the longest employed and most successful Washington State alum of all time. And are you trying to tell me that we are really going to get shown up by a Coug? C'mon, we're Zags, I figure three-out-of-every-four of us can do anything that anyone from that school in Pullman can do.

No thanks, I think I'll flip burgers instead:

Offensive Guard: Look at the pre-requisites for being the least heralded position on the offensive line: You have to be ridiculously overweight (hypertension is nearly guaranteed after you retire), you have to be excited to take a hit from a linebacker or defensive tackle every play and you have to be fine with sacrificing your knees for the "greater good of the team." And your reward for being so courageous and selfless: Your running back will be trumpeted as one of the greatest of all time, even if he is completely interchangeable with every other back in the league — read: Shaun Alexander when he had Steve Hutchinson and Walter Jones blocking for him.

Hockey goalie: I know Goldberg makes it look awesome in the "Mighty Ducks" movies, but being a goalie isn't all it's cracked up to be. First off, playing hockey is expensive enough, but if you are truly determined to bankrupt your parents, tell them you want to be a goalie. Also, goalies get all the blame even though their job is seemingly impossible — getting in front of a speeding hard piece of rubber is about as natural as a Gonzaga student's tan from October to March. Also, it is nearly impossible to look cool in goalie pads. Case in point: YouTube "Marc-Andre Fleury trips," or just watch the Penguins play, and Fleury will exhibit how lame the goalie position really can be.

Look, we all know that being a professional athlete is awesome. But, you have to be careful when you are choosing your path, because it's like that old country-western song said: "Momma, don't let your babies grow up to be catchers."