The holiday season is upon us and that means we can ‘tis the season with eggnog, joy, family, happiness and also—immense stress? Look, especially if you do not regularly sport a red suit, own eight reindeer and have a white beard, gift giving can be pretty nerve racking. Christmas morning can turn not-so-jolly pretty fast if you’re stuck with a bad gift and as shallow as it seems we all know it’s true.
But have no fear. The Gonzaga Bulletin has come to assuage your troubles this season of capitalist consumerism with an exact outline of what the average Joe would probably be elated to receive and what they most likely would not. Never again will gift giving make you toss and turn in cold sweats the night before Christmas Eve. From Pitbull concert tickets to avocados, this all-inclusive list has it all.
First, let’s start off with some optimism. Here are five best gifts one could receive this winter.
1. Pitbull Concert Tickets
Honestly, whoever said Pitbull was talentless is surely mistaken because Mr. Worldwide has surely made his mark on the American populous. What epitomizes the evolution of postmodern tunes more like “Timber” by the man himself? Not only does Pitbull continue to strike us with his musical genius, that man is also a beacon for making a name for yourself and starting from the streets. And he has good hair.
2. iPhone Charger
These break approximately every two days. Every Apple user perpetually needs one. Period.
3. Gonzaga University Merch
As a broke college student myself, I can attest that the Zag Shop is certainly viewed by many of us as foreign soil; it is the cream of the crop in which we can venture toward after receiving our degrees and (hopefully) being employed. But you the gift-giver can speed that up.
*This is most definitely NOT a plug for GU. Wink wink*
4. Amazon Gift Card
Nothing appeals to U.S. consumers more than free range on Amazon’s digital web. Giving an Amazon gift card is basically giving infinite gifts; it’s killing many birds with one stone.
5. Aloe Vera Fuzzy Socks
This gift is the most supreme present. There is nothing better than waking up Christmas morning to unwrap a two-pack pair of oh-so smooth, buttery and moisturizing fuzzy socks. Honestly, it doesn’t get more indulgent than this.
Now, take this list of the five worst gifts one could receive as a cautionary tale …
The Vine sums it up. No one wants a perishable item as a present. Just don’t even go there.
2. Shake Weight
Are they saying the freshman 15 is hitting you perhaps a little too hard? Do they think you’ve let yourself go? This one has perhaps too many interpretations.
3. A Box in a Box in a Box (etc)...
At this point this prank isn’t even humorous anymore. It really is just human indecency and, honestly, equivalent to medieval torture. No one wants to use scissors to open a Christmas gift at 7 a.m. Rumor has it that Santa puts coal in the stockings of the (much deserving) people that do this … Take it as you will.
No one wears slippers except for maybe your 85-year-old grandma. No one needs slippers. Especially with the superiority of the Aloe Vera Fuzzy Socks, slippers are just unnecessary and redundant. Socks are versatile, moisturizing and portable; slippers are clunky, strictly indoors and do not have the option of being moisturizing.
5. Anything Used
“My sister got me used lotion with a hair in it once, disgusting,” said Amy Barber, a freshman at Gonzaga.
The sheer amount of time my peers and I have bonded over regifted items that are used are far too many. This is perhaps the absolute worst gift that someone could possibly receive. It’s not subtle, it’s actually extremely obvious.