I should preface my stance on horoscopes with my stance on personality tests: they aren’t my thing. I’ve never had the motivation to deduce my Hogwarts house, evaluate which character from Friends I would be, or find out which Mariah Carey song fits me best based on my Coldstone Creamery order.

I can appreciate the concept and the joy they bring to people, but I suppose they always just seemed like wacky time wasters, or worse; a data resource for name brand companies to aggregate consumer preferences that guide their titanic marketing campaigns.

When it comes to horoscopes, I believe you’d find me planted firmly in the “doubter” category. That doesn’t mean I’m a hater, I understand they provide “slice of life” tidbits for people to make conversation over or relate to others with. However, I’d much rather talk sports, weather, or news, but basically anything before horoscopes.

Conceptually, it never made much sense to me either. The distinction between traits and behaviors of everyone is their birth month, and how it relates to the position of a few flaming balls of gas, millions of lightyears away?

Moving past that wild foundational concept, I can’t really get behind the relationship aspect of horoscopes either. Compatibility is a vastly complex question for people seeking a relationship, and it can be very fluid. While you may not be compatible now, your lives have potential to change, and you could shift to become more or less compatible in the future.

While I understand that a vast majority of horoscope enthusiasts don’t let horoscopes dictate their choice of partner, it seems like an unreliable prospect to try and determine compatibility based on astrological sign alone. 

Furthermore, I think that horoscope compatibility predictions have the possibility to veer towards “self-fulfilling prophecy” territory. For example, if your weekly horoscope says you have money coming your way, you might be more vigilant of opportunities to find money, and thus, money comes your way!

On top of the problematic prognostication’s horoscopes provide, my ultimate quarrel with them is similar to my issue with personality tests. Horoscopes attempt to define my personality, behaviors and future in a tidy package for me to carry as I go on my way.

I’m a messy person, with a messier life. A flaming ball of gas hurtling through space millions of miles away might say I’ve got problems with my organization or that I need to be more mindful of the time I spend with others, but to be honest, I’d rather work on my self-awareness the natural way. By jumping from each dumpster fire life disaster to the next, hoping to learn a little something along the way.

Anders Svenningsen is a staff writer. Follow him on Twitter: @torvauld. 

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